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Crime Rate in Winnipeg Hits 100% – Lowest It’s Been in a Decade

Things are getting less bleak in Winnipeg, at least from a personal safety perspective, as crime rates continue to slide. 

While there’s still a surprising amount of crime happening in the city that proudly has two rivers flowing out of it as quickly as possible, there are signs that things are finally turning around. 

On Tuesday, the mayor announced that the city has hit its lowest crime rate in over a decade. During the announcement, the mayor said that he or she couldn’t be more proud of the way everyone has been doing their part to shave crime down to these horrible and terrifying levels. 

“I myself pick-pocketed a sweet old lady while we were on the bus from St. Norbert to downtown. Poor old gal never saw it coming, what a rush!” Boasted the mayor. 

The mayor also added that while an alarming amount of the crime committed this past year was violent in nature, so-called “white collar crimes”, such as mail fraud, coupon fraud, or impersonating a priest, make up much of the city’s crime. 

It was also noted that a very small portion of the crimes committed are considered minor malfeasances, including: 

  • Ditching plans at the last minute 
  • Not including batteries when selling products that require batteries
  • Burglary, burglarizing, and other burgle-related activities 
  • Excessively loud ‘booing’ at art exhibits
  • Spreading hurtful rumours about people’s pets
  • Checking Facebook at red lights
  • Not checking Facebook often enough
  • Trickery and slight of hand
  • Slight of paw committed by animals
  • Crimes of passion
  • Crimes against passion
  • Racketeering (whatever that is)
  • So. Many. Drugs.
  • Speeding
  • Speed walking
  • Overuse of the word “yurt”
  • Having indecent thoughts in public
  • Not loving thy neighbour 
  • Imitating people without their consent
  • Imitating people with their consent, but doing a poor job

The announcement basically ended when the police chief finally chimed in, and attributed much of the department’s success to his laissez-faire attitude. He also insisted that he and his officers will continue to do their best to observe crime. Bless his heart. 

Hellen St. Helens Hellenson
Hellen (or “Helen”, to her friends) brings a bunch of experience to the Chronicle. None of it, unfortunately, has anything to do with journalism. However, she’s confident that her expertise in lawnmower repair theory will help her cut down the green blades of opportunity in her new field.
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