Guinness Book of Records Taking Interest in Local Man’s Self-Pity Streak

It’s been a tough few months for Leonard Dukakis, who recently hit a new low when he failed to close all of the rings on his Apple Watch. And the Guinness Book of World Records is taking notice of his likely unhealthy and certainly long-lasting streak of somewhat justified woe.

Some of Leonard’s recent gripes include:

  • Nobody seems to want him as a friend, even though he’s great at pointing out their flaws
  • His cat could give a shit about him or his problems
  • He waited in line for three hours to meet Toby Keith, only to remember he doesn’t like country music
  • He spent three more hours Googling Toby Keith when he got home and discovered Toby Keith likely also doesn’t give a shit about his problems
  • His girlfriend started dating a wealthier, more fit, and generally more attractive one of his uncles
  • His new lover doesn’t give his nipples the attention they deserve
  • He was laid off from a terrible job, then brought back, just as he was starting to discover his love of living off of government money and calling in to radio shows
  • He accidentally Naired his lower back after purposefully Nairing his upper ass
  • His parents don’t come over any more since his house “always smells of day Kraft Dinner and Nair”

Poor guy.

Things are looking up for Leonard though, as the fame granted to him if he’s included in the Guinness Book of World Records is sure to hold up for at least 15 years ago.

And with so much to be thankful for in his life, like a cat, a lover, an unstable job and still having both nipples, Leonard is bound to take control of his confidence again.

We’ll have more on this story as it develops.

Jacob Fox-Smalls-Kevin
Jacob is a part-time Ph.D. student of Inter-Suburbanite Studies at Northeastern University of the Northwest. When he's not studying, he does freelance reporting of all things newsworthy, and tends to his small but impressive collection of rare metals.

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