Jesus Murphy Wants People to Stop Using His Name in Vain

Jesus Henry Murphy is a mild-mannered watch salesman from Winnipeg. And he’s fed up. 

“I find it inconsiderate when people invoke my name whenever they stub their toe, or bonk their shin on their lover’s bed frame. It’s like, what do I even have to do with that? Why am I being dragged into this?” Murphy proclaims. “My grandparents are from Ireland, not Nazareth, I can’t help you.”

He goes on to add, “It wasn’t me who left your vegan pot roast in the oven to burn while you were in the backyard having your fifth beer, you did. And I sure as heck wasn’t the one who got your girlfriend pregnant before you guys were ‘ready’. You can thank my brother for that.”

We asked Murphy how he’s able to hear so many instances of his name being used frivolously; here’s what he had to say:

“It’s not like I’m violating people’s privacy by listening in on them, or that I get some sort of alert on my phone. Most of the time people literally shout my name, and I can hear people easily when they’re within ear shot, or if I happen to be lurking outside of their house at an odd hour. When I hear it it’s like ‘guys, take it easy for Christ’s sake’. After all, my name is a representation of my glory and majesty, not a replacement cuss for when you’ve hit your f-word quota for the day.”

So, next time your toast hits the ground jam-side down, and you’re are about to drop the ‘JM bomb’ out of frustration, don’t just think of the injustice that’s happened to you in that moment. Take a second to consider the mild irritation you might be causing someone if they happen to be listening and happen to have that exact name. 

Marty Migratorybirdpath
Bonjour, my name is Marty. I was ejected from the womb in 1979, and have spent the last 8 years of my life in pursuit of an undergraduate degree in Suburban Studies from the University of Northern State - Online. I hope you enjoy the morsels of journalism I leave across this site.

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