Local Grandfather Set to Release Book About How Disappointed He is With Your Life Choices

Cradlesburg, Virginia

Albert “Gramps” McCutcheon, is headed for literary fame. Unfortunately, it’s at your expense. His book, titled Kids These Days, I Swear to Christ is set for release next month.

Don’t bother buying the book, you’ve already been hearing what’s laid out on those pages for your whole life. Plus, that old goon doesn’t need any more money, especially since he’s already cut you out of the will.

Some highlights of his grievances with your personal journey include:

  • Your continuous visual displays of ‘hanky panky’ out by old man Miller’s place
  • When you didn’t take over the family farm, even though it was sold 75 years ago
  • When you went to get a liberal arts degree instead of working at the old mill
  • When you gave up on getting your master’s degree to go work at the old mill
  • When you flashed around a bottle of BBQ sauce like you were hot shit, when ‘back in his day’, they only had ketchup, mustard, and melted goose fat as condiments 
  • When you wore ripped jeans on purpose
  • When you ripped your jeans by accident 
  • When you got a tattoo, but not a piercing 
  • How you always wore baggy pants just above your knees, instead of just below your nipples
  • How you could’t buy a house without his help, even though his first house only set him back eight dollars
  • How you always assume he was in World War ll, just because of his age
  • How you don’t seem to pay attention when he tells stories from when he was in World War ll
  • How you won’t write love letters to your wife, but will let her speak at the dinner table

He’s really got it in for you. Probably shouldn’t have turned off The Lawrence Welk Show so you could catch the end of Fresh Prince all those years ago.

Marty Migratorybirdpath
Bonjour, my name is Marty. I was ejected from the womb in 1979, and have spent the last 8 years of my life in pursuit of an undergraduate degree in Suburban Studies from the University of Northern State - Online. I hope you enjoy the morsels of journalism I leave across this site.

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